


The Lights and Boys are Blinding

by gunboots



Category: The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, F/F, I can't even, I don't know, I'm Sorry, M/M, Multi, au where illya is a maid of honor and napoleon is a pushy waiter, i'm just sayin, i'm not even, illya yaoi hands kuryakin is the best damn maid of honor ever, is this rom-com hell, napoleon solo WOULD work at a tallywacker's knockoff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-05
Updated: 2015-10-05
Packaged: 2018-04-24 17:54:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4929433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gunboots/pseuds/gunboots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They look, for all intents and purposes LIKE a typical bridal party, complete with tiny, adorable bride-to-be decked with a ribbon sash and glowing LED penis-crown. The bridal party even has matching obnoxious t-shirts and different colored feather boas and flashing LED Malibu shades. They look every inch the picture of friendly debauchery that Napoleon has come to predict. </p><p>And yet, a giant blond man that fits every single one of Napoleon's fantasies steps in front of the party, protectively. He pushes up his flashing shades, businesslike and Napoleon almost misses the 'BEST BITCH' proclaimed loudly on the other man's chest in pink, glittering font. </p><p>"Teller, party of seven--I make reservation." The vision says and Napoleon stares.</p><p>aka Illya is the shared maid/man of honor for his best friend Gaby Teller and her fiancée; Napoleon is the pushy, hot waiter that won't stop hitting on him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Lights and Boys are Blinding

**Author's Note:**

> This started out as a joke and quickly escalated to me writing fic. The place that Napoleon works at is based off a real place in Dallas. It's billed at being all male Hooters for women conceived by gay men: it is [AN EXPERIENCE](http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/hooters-for-women) and legit the waiters wear almost nothing. Originally the joke was Illya was a stressed out waiter who had a creepy regular who kept hitting on him but somehow morphed into Illya being the dutiful maid/man of honor to Gaby, who just happened to marry Victoria.
> 
> If anything, I just wanted Illya decked out in full-on maid of honor garb getting hit on by Napoleon wearing almost nothing. Lol a lot of the bachelorette stuff is based on past experience, including [ penis shaped cake pops](https://twitter.com/badtouches/status/647584523740299264). I took a lot from rl tbh--I'm sorry for that too. I did a light spell check, so apologies again for any grammar mistakes. Title from Taylor Swift's 'New Romantics' because why not just commit this train to hell further.

It's a typical bachelorette party that Napoleon expects to cater to on Friday night. 

He likes work in Rubsticks, really he does--the sheer amount of tips he gets alone for just taking off his shirt and posing for pictures is almost criminal. It's easy to charm adoring throngs of women and men while serving ridiculously priced food and drink. His pay in general isn't the greatest, but he surprisingly has benefits and it's steady work that lets him make his own hours. Considering his rather messy and checkered past experiences with the law, he's just grateful for any sort of employment.

He expects the usual with bachelorette parties, brides desperate for one last night as free women plying him with ample tips and attention. The usual chorus of bridesmaids acting as a single unified squad of enablers, the maid of honor leading the pack. To be completely honest, it's the easiest money to make really. 

However, when the bridal party for 'Teller' rolls up, he's completely caught off guard.

They look, for all intents and purposes LIKE a typical bridal party, complete with tiny, adorable bride-to-be decked with a ribbon sash and glowing LED penis-crown. The bridal party even has matching obnoxious t-shirts and different colored feather boas and flashing LED Malibu shades. They look every inch the picture of friendly debauchery that Napoleon has come to predict. 

And yet, a giant blond man that fits every single one of Napoleon's fantasies steps in front of the party, protectively. He pushes up his flashing shades, businesslike and Napoleon almost misses the 'BEST BITCH' proclaimed loudly on the other man's chest in pink, glittering font. 

"Teller, party of seven--I make reservation." The vision says and Napoleon stares.

Well then. 

\---

Gaby Teller is a fiercely funny girl who drinks three shots gifted to her by her friends before trying to engage Napoleon and the rest of the bridal party to a drinking contest. 

All before even ordering dinner.

Napoleon wishes dearly that she were a regular.

More than anything though, he wants to learn more about the single man in her bridal party. 

The single man who rebuffs any attempts by Napoleon (or any other interested parties) for conversation. Instead 'Best Bitch' intently observes and attends to the rest of the bridal party, even going so far as to order his food last. He even makes sure to repeat the itinerary as Gaby and her friends start to get gigglier and less upright--it's an endearing sort of diligence that Napoleon just can't ignore.

"We will be here till 9 pm--then uber will arrive to take us to club." 'Best Bitch' (since he seems to delight in not giving Napoleon his name) calls as the rest of the bridal party slide out of their seats. "you can dance on floor here--has appropriate number of stars on yelp."

Napoleon finds himself contemplating what an 'appropriate number of stars' even amounts to as he gives his orders to the kitchen. 

\---

Gaby and the rest of the bridal party are back in their seats when he returns with the food. Though he's disappointed at the missed opportunity he has for getting the other man alone, he makes the best of it.

He finds himself in most of the selfies Gaby and the rest of her friends take. Each picture, Gaby's single male friend gives his own little reluctant smile that Napoleon finds himself eager to touch. Instead he flirts outrageously with every other member of the bridal party and finally Gaby herself. Who laughs, calls him 'cute' and slaps him hard on the back. 

Which startles a guffaw out of 'Best Bitch'. 

It's worth the stinging hand print she leaves.

\---

The blonde Adonis is finally alone next time he comes out to collect the plates, completing an artful arrangement of an assortment of neon colored penis cake pops. Napoleon instantly wants to reach for one despite himself. On the dance floor, the rest of the bridal party is lost in the bump and thrum of the house music, completely oblivious to the phallic shaped dessert spread. 

"Anything I can get you?" Napoleon prompts, leaning against the hardwood table with a smirk. He's shirtless and covered in lipstick kisses from an aggressive party of cougars nearby. His hair is also artfully mussed from them running their fingers through it. Personally, he thinks he's never looked better.

'Best Bitch' seems to disagree, murmuring a polite if disinterested: 'No, thank you.' 

He goes back to his phone pointedly. Napoleon knows a challenge when he sees one. He slides into the plastic booth next to him, and ignore the way the man freezes next to him. "Sure about that big boy?" Napoleon asks again, leaning closer, and flashing a grin that makes customers swoon.

The other man glances up briefly, before going back to typing away studiously at the screen.

"Do you not have somewhere else to be?" Napoleon doesn't know why he didn't notice the accent or anything besides the rough timbre of his voice but it just adds to the stranger's charm. "Waiting table for example."

"I'm giving you a special service as the--I'm sorry, what exactly--"

"--Maid of honor." 'Best Bitch' confirms, unaffected. "Would be 'best man' but spot taken by ex-husband." 

"Your ex-husband?" Napoleon asks, it's a paper-thin ploy to keep the conversation going. It's also something that Napoleon may or may not be genuinely curious about.

"No." The man quickly denies, and the look on his face darkens. "Other bride's ex-husband. He is...irritating."

"So then you mean to say that lovely man such as yourself isn't seeing anyone?" Napoleon can easily testify later that flirtatious behavior with customers is not only allowed but encouraged. "Mister--"

'Best Bitch' just levels him a flat look.

"You just proposition Gaby, what make you think I am interested?" He asks, even though he has yet to return to the flashing notifications on his phone—all of which seem to do with ride arrangements. Napoleon wants to count it as a win really. 

"Well, the only name I have for you is the 'maid of honor' or as your shirt puts it--"

"--Cosmo said to have matching shirt." The man informs, strangely offended as if Napoleon was doubting his skills as a maid of honor. "Also said to have party and dancing and men with little clothing."

"And would you look at that, you just happened to have a combination of all three at the empty table with just you here." 

"Subtle." The maid of honor almost sounds amused, his lips twitching upward in the light. "Little desperate."

"I just happen to know what I want." Napoleon admits, and something about the statement makes the other man smirk openly. 

"Wha--"

"--ILLYAAAA!" There's a flash of bright seizure-inducing LED light and the bride herself almost throws herself bodily onto the two of them. And the table. And the leftover food. She doesn't seem to notice. "Dance with me Illya! Come onnn--"

Napoleon fights the urge to sigh, instead he excuses himself from the table as 'Illya' easily and steadily lifts the young, buzzed Ms.Teller up. Napoleon tries not to think too deeply on how much he'd like Illya to lift him up too.

"Will she be ok?" He asks, as Illya practically carries her back to the dance floor. The other shrugs.

"Of course--I am here." 

\---

Tragically Napoleon gets slammed with other tables to wait and the bridal party with their gorgeous male maid of honor ends up leaving before he can give a proper goodbye (or his number).

\---  
Napoleon almost forgets about 'Illya'. He is after all, constantly swamped with different people and different orders the nights he works. 

Or at least, he almost forgets till Illya arrives again.

This time, in the company of the same group of women with a different bride.

"I'm here for my reservation, party of seven. The name is ' Vinciguerra '." A statuesque woman in staggering eyeliner commands. Next to her 'Illya' looms, militaristic in stance and manner. 

There are no matching shirts or penis crowns this time, but there are matching pearl earrings and silver bangles on each arm. There are also matching dresses, each bridesmaid wearing different colors of the same dress the bride is wearing.

Including Illya. Which, Napoleon is extremely appreciative for if only for the emphasis of his biceps and peek of delectable line of shoulder.

"Right this way, Ma'am." Napoleon has so many questions, but there's nothing for him to do but press onward. 

\---

Where Gaby was all fun and vibrant energy, Victoria is a decidedly different affair altogether. The rest of the bridesmaids seem like completely different people. The only exception is Illya, who once again faithfully obeys every command and whim the bride has. 

“Limo will come back at 8—already sent other car to pick up Alexander from airport.” Illya reports as he taps away at his iphone and the rest of the bridal party retreats to the dance floor. The bangles around his wrists clang and Napoleon is not shy about hiding his appreciation for Illya’s large frame in his sheer dress. There is another artful display of penis cake pops next to him, this time all of them dipped in shades of black and white. Napoleon has a suspicion that Illya is the one painstakingly making them.

“Wait staff, is there a reason you keep eyeing up my maid of honor and not me, the lovely bride?” Victoria asks, a lift of her brow. She looks intimidating, even as she sips idly from a novelty penis straw. Napoleon dons his best smile. “You’ll have to forgive me Madam Vinciguerra, I don’t usually see MALE maid of honors—”

“—Don’t be ridiculous, I know Kuryakin was just here with my fiancée two weeks ago.” Victoria finishes smoothly and Napoleon fights to hide his surprise. That would mean—

“—Isn’t Gaby a lovely girl? Our honeymoon is in Rome. On my ex-husband’s estate.” She continues, smug. 

\---

Victoria, after five drinks and a few biting remarks about the quality of her steak, eventually follows her way to the dance floor.

Not before slipping one last threat over her shoulder however: “Kuryakin, if you don’t ask our waiter out this time, I swear I’ll ask Alexander to set you up with one of his friends. You are NOT attending our wedding without a plus one.” 

Illya splutters, far more embarrassed at the remark than he seems to be in women’s clothing. Napoleon just turns, going for coy but failing: “This time?”

“They—She—it’s—” Illya sends a beseeching look back to the dance floor, Victoria spots it and resolutely turns her back to him.

“I thought you weren’t ‘interested’?” Napoleon says, face theatrically concerned. Illya snorts at the display.

“Do not act surprised—is bad look for you.” Illya’s earrings (which Napoleon can see are clip-ons, so Victoria must have SOME pity in her after all) flash as he shakes his head. 

“I’m told that a good look on me is a suit.” Napoleon offers, flexing as he crosses his arms. Illya’s eyes follow the movement. 

Illya makes a considering noise. “Is hard to picture—you are mostly nude now.”

“Trust me, I tend to clean up well.” Napoleon grins, feeling bold enough to lay his hand on Illya’s arm. “Though, I do hope you’ll be wearing that ensemble during the actual wedding, Mr. Kurya--”

“Call me 'Illya'--and maybe I do, maybe I don’t.” Illya says, sliding him a piece of paper with a phone number on it. “You have to come to wedding to see.”

**Author's Note:**

> Just a few quick links:  
> [malibu shades](http://www.amazon.com/12ct-Light-Slotted-Shades-Sunglasses/dp/B00AZQ2C3W/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1444011394&sr=8-1&keywords=shades+led)  
> [Penis Straws](http://www.amazon.com/Teeny-Peenie-Bachelorette-Sipping-Straws-/dp/B00V2FE7EW/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1444011344&sr=8-2&keywords=bachelorette+party+penis+crown)  
> [Gaby's eyesore crown, pretend it lights up](http://www.amazon.com/Pipedreams-Penis-Hanging-Pecker-Purple/dp/B00IF2R01M/ref=sr_1_5?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1444011531&sr=1-5&keywords=bachelorette+party+penis+crown)
> 
> I'm just sorry I had to cut out the scene where Illya was painstakingly making penis cake pops to hand out to the other bridesmaids. More's the pity. Have I said I'm sorry for existing and doing this yet?


End file.
